Going Bananas


It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything for Bones, so here’s a snippet from an unreleased chapter. Enjoy.

After dropping Jackie at school, Jim reluctantly made one last trip to his own campus, just to make sure he wasn’t forgetting anything. At least he didn’t have to fight for a parking space this time.

Over the last four weeks of classes, Jim failed his students on a daily basis— and not in the sense he was accustomed to failing them. He enjoyed that, mostly. This, he didn’t. Each lecture was a dreaded exercise in neuroses, as he was unceasingly conscientious that each time his muscles moved his mouth, the bone in his jaw was simply abiding. Every time his finger pointed at a map, he saw that foreign soil interrupted by the bony penetrator. The door to his office no longer kept open, and he avoided advertising how often and long he actually was in there. He didn’t have many hiding spots after he’d surrendered the apartment lease.

Continue reading “Going Bananas”

Deboned


This is part four of the Bones series. To read the previous chapters, click here.

“I can’t tell you how pleased I am that we can sit and discuss the business over dinner like civilized men.”

General Shen remarked on this as his knife carved a delicate, perfectly even slice from the duck breast before him.

“I’m a pretty civilized guy,” Jim replied, not quite finished chewing a mouthful from the duck leg in his hand.

“You are enjoying the duck, yes?”

Jim nodded enthusiastically, unsure how his feelings towards the food weren’t outwardly apparent.

“I apologize for ordering for you, but I wasn’t prepared to find you so cooperative and, well, arranging takeaway delivery to your secret military facility is difficult enough to begin with. Next time, I’ll try to get you a menu.” Continue reading “Deboned”

Bones: Arc Two Preview


The black waters were deceptively calm. Occasionally, ivory tinsel would betray the crest of an ebony swell. Aside from those, there were no other disturbances as far as the eye could see. As peaceful as it appeared, the Sea of Japan was cold enough to kill in February. Kimura Kotsuko was depending on it. Continue reading “Bones: Arc Two Preview”

Bone Tired


This is part three of the Bones series. Read part one here. Read part two here.

The streets of Hong Kong were paved with people who didn’t seem to notice or care about the light rain that began to fall. Jim snugged his department-store-fresh hoodie over his ears, looking nervously at the faces coming and going past his bench. Just another white guy in Hong Kong. Not so uncommon. No reason to worry. Act like you belong, and people won’t notice. And people didn’t seem to notice. But any one of them could be a cop. Any one of them could know. The bones, however, did notice. They reflected his agitation, growing taught and bristling within him. Calm down. Distract yourself. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the last of the folded bills they’d looted from the dead soldiers, counting them.

The tin bell on the door of Bai’s Mobile Emporium clanged sloppily, and he craned himself around to see Chuck striding out. He put a shiny new phone in Jim’s hand.

“We’re running low on cash. About 500 yuan left,” Jim said.

“We won’t have to worry about that, we can use these to transfer money to prepaid cards.”

“That’s assuming our accounts haven’t been seized. We still don’t know if our own government is onto us.”

“Or they may want us to have access to our banks. Remember,” Chuck said, taking a seat beside Jim, “Once we turn these on, we’re running on borrowed time. Check everything you need to asap, bank, email, everything. You ready?”

Jim took out the scratch-paper list of messages he intended to send, and nodded. Both men buried their faces in the glow of ensnaring electronic effulgence. Jim checked his files on the university cloud. All of his work was still there. Even a few of the pictures he snapped in the tomb managed to sync before the Chinese jackboots stomped his old phone to smithereens. He sent everything to a couple confidants with a short message for safekeeping. He had six voicemails. Lisa. Lisa again. The department chair. Creditors. A lawyer. Lisa.

Lisa sounded pissed. He had a bad feeling about what for. He checked his bank account. His last rent check bounced. He cursed. His latest paycheck had been waiting to be picked up two weeks ago. He’d only found out a day and a half ago how many days they’d spent picking their way along back roads, avoiding populated areas, floating down rivers, switching cars, being lost, keeping themselves fed in unorthodox ways. The parasite had a voracious metabolism. 28 days.

Chuck powered his phone down. “About ready?”

“I guess so,” Jim said, his thumb hovering ready to itch the social media scratch. He powered the phone down instead. “Got the important stuff done. Hold on a tic.” He got up and went inside Bai’s phone shop.

“Be quick, we gotta move,” Chuck called after him. He slumped back down and powered his phone back on to do some quick surfing.

Jim emerged two minutes later with a simple pre-paid flip-phone. “Let’s go.”

The two men started walking back down the street, window shopping the cars parked along the curb.

“This one looks good,” Jim nodded to a sporty, decade-old hatchback plastered with tuner decals.

“No way, none of these. The owner’s bound to be in there watching.” Chuck thumbed at the restaurant on their left, which boasted a glass-walled storefront. They walked some more.

“Ye-he-hes,” Chuck crooned, stopping in front of a sparkling white luxury sedan. “No reason we shouldn’t drive in style.”

Jim shook his head. “A car this new and expensive is bound to have an R-F-I-D check on the ignition. We might not even be able to open the door.”

Chuck sulked and took a minute to say his goodbyes. The skipped over to the next block where the sidewalks thinned out and the storefronts looked less-watched. “This one,” Jim called to Chuck as he approached an older, but well-maintained German wagon.

“Leather seats, eight cylinders; a good compromise I’d say,” Chuck smiled. “And definitely pre-dates modern anti-theft.”

Jim walked around to the driver’s door and pressed his finger up against the lock. Bone pierced his fingertip and prodded its way into the keyhole, filling the tumblers and pushing each until they clicked. It barely hurt to do this anymore; after fifteen-odd times, the nerve endings in his right index were likely damaged beyond repair. The lock clicked, and he opened the door.

“Here, you drive. I’ve got something I need to do.”

Chuck hopped in without a word and unlocked the passenger door for him. Jim reached over and started the car for him. He severed the skeleton-key from his body and left it inside the tumblers, a new trick he’d learned. The parasite grumbled in protest, but he promised it would get its missing part back.

As the car pulled away from the curb and into the wet street, Jim pulled the flip-phone from the pocket of his hoodie. Lisa’s number was the only one he’d ever memorized besides his own. He dialed it, but didn’t call. He laid back with the phone in his hand and closed his eyes. He was tired. This country had tried to kill him twice now. They’d spent a month on the run, looking over their shoulders the whole time. They’d eaten muddy river-fish and wormy fruit, both of which came with awful diarrhea. He’d used his bones to open locks and cut through brush and even to form a raft to float down rivers that went in confusing directions.

He couldn’t sleep yet. He hit ‘call’, but he’d forgotten the country code the first time he punched in the number. The second time around he got a dial tone.

Beee… beee… beee… voicemail. He called again to let her know it was important.

Beee… beee… beee… Hello? Who is this?

“Lisa, it’s me.”

Jesus Christ, Jim. What the fuck? Where have you been for the last month? What the fuck is wrong with you?

“I’m sorry. I’ve been out of the country… I haven’t had a phone. What’s up?”

What’s up? I’ve had men knocking on my door looking for you every week, that’s what’s up. The last one was FBI, Jim. What the fuck have you done?

“Nothing, I didn’t do anything! Listen to me…”

Listen to you? A month ago, I might have cared, but now I couldn’t give a shit. I don’t know what you did, but fuck you for doing it, and fuck you for bringing whatever it is back to me and Jack. Jesus, and we were doing so well, Jim…

Her next words wear garbled by sobs. It was obvious by the expression on Chuck’s face that he could hear most everything. Mercifully, he pretended not to.

“Lisa, stop, listen to me for a minute, you’ve got to leave the house. Take Jackie and find a hotel. Don’t use your credit card. I can wire you money…”

No! Fuck you, Jim. I’m giving them this number next time they come. For God’s sake, turn yourself in. You can’t do this to us.

He wished he could.

“This is serious, please shut up for just a goddamned moment…”

No, Jim, you don’t get to say that to me anymore! Don’t say anything to me anymore!

“Lisa, please…”

I don’t know what trouble you’re in, and I don’t care. I hope they find you. Stay away from us, Jim. Stay away from Jack. I hope you never come back. Just stay far away and leave us alone.

Call ended. Time: 2 minutes 43 seconds.

Jim redialed her number. Straight to voicemail. She’d blocked him. Fuck, he breathed, squeezing the phone in his fist as if it were a neck.

“I know it’s not my business buddy, but I’m pretty sure there were at least twenty opportunities to steer that conversation back on track.”

Jim said nothing, lost in thought as they made a left onto a wide thoroughfare.

“Listen, I’ll try calling her next time, once she’s cooled down. She might listen to a stranger.”

“I doubt she’ll answer another call with a Chinese country code.”

“I’ll use my phone, I can risk it.”

Jim nodded glumly. “Listen Chuck, I don’t know how much you heard, but Lisa said the FBI came to her place looking for me. So we’ve got that waiting for us back home.”

Chuck considered this.

“If they’re looking for me, Chuck, they’ve gotta be looking for you too. They’ll have looked at the list of passengers for anyone close to me.”

Chuck considered some more. He passed a slow-moving car. “So they’re on to you about Willy and that kid?”

“Either that, or they’ve received a flag from China. Or Interpol. Not sure how that stuff works, to be fair.”

Chuck sighed, and considered for another moment. “The only way I see myself clearing my name is for you to clear your name. And the only way they’re going to believe your story is to see what you are.”

“No, they’ll need to see the bodies, and those are probably long gone by now. Even if they did see them, there’s nothing to say I wasn’t the monster that squished them.” Jim winced at his own words, briefly reliving his friends’ disturbing demise.

“Honestly, I think we have incredibility working in our favor. The bigger question is what they’re going to do with you, even if they believe you. I doubt they’d ever let out among the general public. The other option we have is to tell the truth about everything except the osteomorph. Hide it. Tell them they died in a cave-in or something. I doubt they’ll ever be allowed to examine the scene of the crime, like you said.”

“I don’t see any investigation not including a medical examination.” Jim slumped under his seatbelt and picked at his fingernails. “Anyhow, we’ve been saying ‘they’ all this time and we don’t even know who ‘they’ is for sure.” He felt like a child again. “So it comes down to choosing between my freedom or yours. Making your life as fucked up as mine.”

Chuck gave him a reassuring touch on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, buddy. We’ve still got time to think about this stuff. Who knows, there might be another way out of this.” Jim hadn’t taken the time to consider how incredibly infinitesimal the odds were that he had a friend like Chuck with him through all of this. He was truly sorry that Chuck was with him through all of this. He might have cried started crying if he wasn’t so goddamned tired.

They parked the car two blocks away from Tim Wimberley’s building and hoofed it the rest of the way to the twelfth-story flat. They took the spare key from under the doormat, and let themselves in to find Tim in the middle of loosening his tie.

“I thought you were working till five,” Chuck asked him as the door closed behind the pair.

“I took an early day, thought I could spare some time to help you guys figure things out.”

Tim had been their godsend, a childhood friend of Chuck’s that they’d been able to contact in an internet café. Tim was tall with a baby face that masked his true age. Chuck knew he’d been living in Hong Kong for the last five years working for a property magnate’s financial office, and they’d been able to track him down using an internet café. After a month spent groping blindly without any idea of what they were groping towards, Tim was an unbelievable reversal in fortune: he was happy to help, he had vast network of connections, and most importantly, he didn’t ask questions. He knew they were in trouble, he knew they couldn’t go to the embassy, and that was about it.

He said, “did Bai hook you guys up?”

“Yeah, man, perfectly. I know it’s getting old, but I can’t thank you enough for what you’re doing for us.”

“No sweat. I mean it’s you, Chuck. I know you’d do the same for me if I was ever in a pinch.” Tim got out his wallet and pulled out a yellow post-it-note. “And I’ve got some more good news. A buddy of mine knows a harbor guy who’s done him some favors and owes a few. He called ahead and told them to expect you tomorrow.”

“That’s fantastic,” Jim exclaimed. He stepped forward and gingerly took the note, reading the name and address.

“You’re going to have to go down yourself and work it out; we’ve got to keep our noses clean, I’m sure you know? Anyways, enough of that.” Tim disappeared into the kitchen and returned with three beers. “There’s a game tonight, and they’re gonna have fireworks at halftime.”

“Fireworks?” Jim echoed.

“Yeah, man, fireworks. Where’ve you been? It’s the fouth of July today.”

The three of them spoke not another word of the business at hand for the rest of the afternoon and evening. They picked up a case of beer and groceries, and Jim cooked while they drank and talked about sports and politics and women. They sprawled out on Tim’s black leather sofas and watched the game. The fireworks were fantastic. They binged on American television all night via Tim’s illegal satellite dish, laughed through two-hour comedies, and drank themselves to sleep just as dawn was approaching. For a precious night, they escaped into normalcy.

* * *

Jim and Chuck were making their third and final trip to the harbor. They’d arranged to pay a sizeable fee, almost entirely from Chuck’s funds, to stowaway aboard a freighter bound for San Diego with a three-day stopover in Manila. Jim held his smartphone in one hand and dialed Dr. Klinger’s office at the University of the Philippines at Diliman into the flip-phone in the other.

Dr. Klinger was out of the office. He’d try back later.

“Better shut it off soon. We’re getting close.”

Jim nodded and moved to power the phone down but stopped. It was vibrating in his hands with an American number across the screen. He knew he shouldn’t. Chuck glanced down at flashing screen nervously between watching the road. Jim answered it and listened.

Hello? Is this James Rogers? a voice asked after a period of silence.

Jim hesitated a moment more. “Yes, this is him.”

Chuck looked nervously at Jim and slowed the car.

Great! This is good, news, fantastic. My names Brett Schafer. I’ve been trying to get in contact with you for a while now, James. Can I call you James?

He motioned for Chuck to pull the car over. Chuck double-parked between two cars to keep from getting blocked in, but pointed to his wrist and then to the phone. He had to keep this brief before they were cornered.

“My friends call me Jim. Are you a friend?”

Yes, Jim, yes. I hope we’ll be, anyways. Listen, Jim, I know you’re in a bit of a pickle, am I right? I’d like to be of help. You see…

“Listen Brett, I’m sorry but I don’t have much time. It’s hard to explain.”

I see. Well Jim, I don’t want to scare you off, but I’ll cut to the chase. I’m a special agent at the Seattle branch of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Please bear with me through this next bit, okay friend? I understand this kind of phone call can be a bit scary.

“Scary was a month ago. Trust me. Please hurry.”

Brett cleared his throat. Well Jim, you’ve been connected with a missing persons case.

“Are these missing persons Shane Waters and William Blankenfield?”

Yes, yes, they are. It looks like we’re on the same page.

This conversation needed a good place to end soon.

Now, if I were a betting man, I would say you’re not willing to come in for a cup of coffee anytime soon, seeing how you’ve been aware of their disappearance for over three months without coming forward to make any report of it. But it’s important that we talk, okay? We need your help to…

“I’m sorry Brett, but that’s all the time I’ve got. It’s not you, it’s me. If I could bring myself in, I would, trust me. But it’s complicated.”

I see. Can you tell me how so?

“I wouldn’t know how. I’m hanging up now.” Jim hesitated. “But if it helps,” he swallowed, “but if it helps their families… they’re dead. It wasn’t me, but I saw them die. I can’t tell you how. No one would believe the truth of it. But they’re gone.” Jim pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed the tension out of his eyes. “If you can, tell them I’m sorry. I’d do more for you, but like I said, it’s complicated.”

Jim ended the call, then saved the number into his flip phone before shutting the devices down. Chuck checked the rearview mirror, then pulled out into the lane as quick as caution would let him.

“That didn’t sound good,” Chuck said just as he mis-shifted, the sound of grinding gears almost lost to the sound of the traffic around them. But, he wasn’t talking about the car, and Jim knew it was neither possible nor fruitful to hide anything from him.

“That was someone from the FBI,” he said carefully, looking out the window. The night before, downtown Hong Kong was a range of dark, majestic mountains whose spires were decorated with stars from the sky above. The drab, silent forest of skyscrapers, whose canopies disappeared into a gray mid-morning haze, now rolled by inconsequential and indistinguishable behind the transparent, transposed image of Chuck in the driver’s seat.

“They didn’t say anything about you, though.” The face in the reflection gave no outward reaction to the news. He wanted to know what Chuck was thinking, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask.

“Well, we can’t say we didn’t see that one coming. So they’re looking for you, possibly us. That gives us at an edge at least, to know instead of guessing now.” He shifted gears, smoothly this time. “We’ll definitely have to ditch our phones, throw ‘em overboard.”

“No doubt.” Jim wasn’t the least bit indoctrinated in the geo-political realities of the United States’ network of spooks, but he’d put money that there was a whole base of them in the Philippines.

“So, have you given any thought of where we’re going after Manilla,” Chuck probed, keeping the car aligned through a crowded boulevard that plunged into the heart of the Hong Kong harbor district.

“No, I figure I’ll just lay low for a while. Use whatever resources Klinger has to find you a way home, if possible.”

Chuck shook his head at him. “Jim, what the hell are you talking about? You don’t have a plan. What are you going to do? Hide in the Philippines forever? Seriously, we need to talk about this.”

Chuck was right. There wasn’t a thought in Jim’s head about anything. The running and hiding had turned him into a frightened animal. The country he was in was trying to kill him, and the one he came from had killers pacing on the shoreline, waiting for him. It all whittled him down into a sort of prey-mindset. Knowing all of this now didn’t help him a bit.

“You still want to get it out of you, right? That’s still goal number one?”

Jim nodded.

“Sitting around in Klinger’s office isn’t going to help you do that. But I can. And I’ve got a lead on a fancy new medical research facility. In India.”

“India,” Jim exclaimed. “Jesus, Chuck, don’t you want to go home? Aren’t you tired of running around? Don’t you have family, friends? A cat?”

“Buster’s in good hands. And what do I have waiting for me? I’ll tell you what I don’t have. The single-most amazing biological discovery in human history. That’s you. I’m sorry to phrase it this way, but you are my chance. I’m a medical scientist, and you are a medical miracle. I’d be stupid to skip out on helping you.”

“Just when I thought you were doing it all for friendship,” Jim grumbled.

“In this case, it coincides.” Chuck was wearing a big, goofy grin as he turned onto the street that ran parallel to the shipyards and Victoria harbor beyond. “If there’s a way to fix you, we’ll find it there. All you’ve gotta do is keep your osteomorph inside and out of sight.”

As if to remind Jim it was still there, it grumbled deep inside of him. Jim pulled an energy bar out of his backpack and scarfed it down. He was eating for two these days, and the damned thing was always hungry.

They passed two smaller shipyards until pulling into Yai Be Chan, stopping before a chain-link gate that spanned the driveway underneath an arched, green steel girder sign with metal Chinese characters welded onto it. Beyond lay an impermeable maze of green, brown, blue, and rust-colored shipping containers. The same man that had stopped them the last two times they were here ran out of his guard-box with the same angry face he’d always had. Chuck rolled down the window and pressed a roll of yuan into the man’s hand, shouting ‘Wen Lu, Wen Lu,’ the harbormaster’s name.

“For fuck’s sake, Wen Lu,” Chuck had to yell again before the guard took his hands off the car with a scowl, and trudged back to the box he came from.

“Asshole, like he’s never seen us before,” Jim muttered.

The angry little man shot off one last grudging look through the window of the guard-box before the fence gate creaked into motion and trundled open. As they accelerated through, Jim rolled his own window down and hazarded a stiff, upright middle-finger. If all went according to plan, he’d never see that asshole again.

They circled the employee parking lot and found the closest open spot to the harbor offices. The ‘offices’ was a portable, sheet-metal building on blocks that lacked air-conditioning. A wire running from the roof of the building spliced directly into power lines dangling overhead to supply it with electricity. They walked up a short gangway of steps and opened the flimsy, aluminum door, which banged weakly and rattled against the side of the building.

Wen Lu’s office was occupied by only one desk, Wen Lu’s. The rest of the space was littered with file cabinets that hung ajar, molding cardboard boxes stacked everywhere there wasn’t a file cabinet, and a spattering of papers that badly needed to be sorted into either a box or a cabinet. Jim doubted this place could survive an audit, but a man like Wen Lu likely used the money earned from ‘favors’ like this one to keep the suits away.

Wen Lu was seated at his cluttered desk behind a decade-old computer monitor, pretending to tick items off the mess of papers in front of him with a pen. Another man, a diminutive office-type in blue suit-pants and a matching tie leaned against a cabinet near him, smoking a cigarette. He adjusted his thick-rimmed glasses and ashed carelessly in an open drawer. Jim gave the man a sizing glance and walked up to Wen Lu’s desk.

“Wen Lu,” he said, tapping his fingertips on the desk. Wen Lu looked up, pretending to notice them for the first time.

“Oh, hello,” he greeted, leaving his mouth agape as he squinted at Jim under a sweat-dappled brow.

“It’s us, remember? We leave today?” Jim was just about out of patience with these people. Wen Lu’s grasp on English wasn’t great, so he repeated himself. “We leave today, on the boat. Remember?” Jim pointed to himself and Chuck and made a boat-like motion with his hands.

Wen Lu looked nervously at the smoking man and back to Jim. “Yes, yes, he said. Today.” He pretended to hit keys on his keyboard, and glanced again at the smoking man, who was now messing around with his phone.

“Today,” Wen Lu repeated, louder. Jim craned around to see just what Wen was doing on his computer. The only thing on the monitor was an unfinished game of solitaire.

Today, Wen Lu squealed. The smoking man put his phone away and straightened himself, rubbing his cigarette out on the face of the cabinet.

“Gentlemen,” the smoking man said in clear, singing British-English, “if you’ll be so kind to follow me, I’ll direct you to your transportation.”

Jim and Chuck exchanged a glance and followed him out. The man walked briskly, leading them into the mouth of the shipping-container labyrinth. Jim took a last look back at the car, wondering what would happen to it. They rounded the first corridor under the shadow of a gargantuan lifter going lazily about its duties. The little man slowed his pace and spoke to them.

“You are James Rogers and Charles Masterson, yes?”

Jim and Chuck stopped in their tracks.

“Don’t stop, gentlemen. Walk and talk.”

They didn’t budge.

“How do you know our names? We never gave our names,” Chuck demanded.

The short man turned around and put his hands on his hips. “We know everything about you. We know you are both employees of the University of Washington. We know you have entered the country both times and illegally trespassed on areas important to the national security of our republic.”

The short man’s voice quavered as he recited each new verse of the things he knew, and had taken two full steps back. Jim had taken two full steps forward while his bloodthirsty parasite subtly shifted some bones around, readying itself for some long-due action.

“Most importantly,” the man continued, voice cracking, “We know how dangerous you are, and you should know that we have taken certain steps to assure your peaceful cooperation!”

“Oh no, please, God no,” Chuck cried from behind. “Not again!”

“Who’s we,” Jim growled, striding towards the short man. His fists balled up as the rage of a cornered animal took over. Underneath the skin of his arms, the bones had already formed blades, waiting for the word to split his skin and taste the outside air. “Who do you work for?”

The parasite seized a moment and ducked his control, and a blade extruded itself from above his right wrist. Adrenaline masked most of the pain. A drop of blood danced along one of its long, beautiful, ivory edges. Jim pointed it at the little man for effect.

“Lisa Alderman!” The little man threw his hands up and cringed as he squealed. “Lisa Alderman! Eighteen-nine-twenty-seven ninety-third avenue Kirkland Washington! Diane and Thomas Masterson! Five-fourty-three chapel road Charlottesville North Carolina!”

Jim froze in his tracks. Footsteps thundered up from behind. He turned to see a cadre of soldiers, fully outfitted for a warzone, rounding the crates and moving on him with weapons raised.

“Are you fucking serious,” Chuck wailed, sinking to his knees. “Come the fuck on! Please!”

Jim’s arms fell to his sides as the familiar feeling of defeat overwhelmed him. Soldiers dragged Chuck up to his feet and pushed them both down the corridor of crates past the small man, who was busy hiding the fact that he’d soiled his blue slacks.

“We were there, goddammit,” Chuck sobbed as he marched alongside Jim, hands interlocked over his head. “Why can’t we just get out of this goddamned country, man. We were right there…”

Jim’s heart broke, watching sidelong as Chuck’s optimism and determination, the willpower that arguably saved them, finally broke. He had to take care of him now. They couldn’t both be broken.

The shipping-crate corridor ended in a right turn, opening into what seemed like logically ordered rows. Their doomed march took them down one of these, which twisted again, opening onto what could only be described as a courtyard, walled with – unsurprisingly –shipping crates, which seemed to have been perfectly arranged around the dimensions of a behemoth craft that dominated the enclosure. It was black without markings, with a fuselage that might have belonged to a passenger airplane, but the rotors of a helicopter – four of them – sprouting from pylons upon which the weight of the craft rested.

As the soldiers pushed Jim and Chuck near, a man in officer’s dress stepped out of the aircraft’s shadow. He wore riding boots on his feet and leather gloves on his hands. His uniform jangled with an absurd collection of medals, more the caricature of a Nazi than a modern military officer. Peeling off a glove, he extended his hand towards them.

“How exciting to finally meet the men who have given me so much recent trouble! I am General Huang Shen, and these are the men of the Fourth Special Task Force whom I have the pleasure to command,” he said in an accent nowhere near as polished as small man from before. He extended his hand first to Chuck, then to Jim. Neither took it. Aftershave that reeked of vanity poured off his perfectly smooth chin, diffusing into the oily harbor air.

“Which of you, then, is the man I’m looking for,” he continued in an ominously playful voice, replacing the glove. “I think you know what I’m referring to when I say that, hmmm?”

Jim looked at Chuck. Chuck looked at the ground. An order was given in Chinesse. A rifle muzzle pushed Jim forward a step.

“Wait,” Jim cried, looking back at Chuck. “I’ll cooperate, I promise you, but only if you let him go free. Let him live, and I’ll do anything you want.”

The general tisked and shook his head, “what makes you think I want to kill him? How do you know I don’t need him too?”

“You will, and you don’t.” Jim did his best to keep his voice steady even as his hands started to shake. “I’m not stupid, I know how these things work.”

Shen placed his hands on his hips and looked up into the sky. “Didn’t lieutenant Ma explain things to you? Where is that useless fool? I swear, if he – he told you we have your families, yes? One call, and our American assets are at the door of your wife?”

“Ex-wife,” Jim corrected. “And if anyone comes to her door, they’ll find out what a miserable bitch she is.” The bluff was out, teetering on a single fact. Jack hadn’t been mentioned yet.

“This man is my best friend.” He gestured dramatically towards Chuck. “He’s pulled me through hell, and I owe everything to him. Stood by me at his own risk. If you don’t believe I’d put him before a woman who is a constant pain in my ass, you’re sorely mistaken.”

Shen paused a moment, then gestured in acceptance. “What choice do I have then? He can go.” Gloved hands shooed Chuck away. “Go on, walk away best friend.”

“No,” Jim countered. “Call Wen Lu. Have him drive up here in his car. When Chuck calls me, when he’s safe, then I’m yours.”

General Shen did not like that at all. He glowered at Jim. He cursed and spun a slow circle, spitting on the ground. He barked an order, and resumed his death-stare for the tense five minutes it took for Wen Lu’s blue Peugeot to come meekly creeping along. Wen Lu got halfway out of the car, his sweaty face white as bone.

When Chuck didn’t make a move towards the car, Jim walked up and threw his arms around him.

“Get out of here,” he said into Chuck’s ear.

“Don’t do this, Jim,” Chuck whispered back.

“No more options. This is the only way. Don’t fuck this up.”

“Take this, then.” Chuck pressed something into his stomach. “Switch me phones.”

“What for?”

“Because I don’t know your stupid number.” Jim slipped his smartphone out of his hoodie and into Chuck’s hands with just enough time to spare before a soldier physically separated them.

General Shen called from afar to hurry before he changed his mind.

Chuck wandered slowly Wen’s car and got inside. His eyes were glued to Jim as the car pulled away and drove out of sight. The soldiers surrounded Jim on all sides. He did his best to look like a man who followed through with threats.

“I see you’re a clever man.” Shen paced as they waited for the call. “That stops now. Any more cleverness and you will regret it. I promise.”

The phone rang. Jim reached into his hoodie, but it was the phone in his pants that was ringing. Clever Chuck. . He flipped it open.

“Are you safe? Were you followed?”

I’m good, pretty sure. Hide my phone if you can. It’s got satellite mode. Hang up before they get suspicious. I love you, buddy. Stay alive.

Jim turned around, switching the phone over to his right hand while his left dipped into his hoodie. He pretended to say one last thing to Chuck. Fingers of bone wrapped around Chuck’s phone and drew it deep into his body. Jim’s knees locked and teeth ground as the phone was passed like a Thanksgiving dish around the family table, up the inside of his arm and coming to rest somewhere inside his ribcage. It was an incredible new kind of pain.

He turned back around to face Shen’s outstretched hand. The cheap phone was snatched away and ground to bits under the general’s patent-leather boots. A soldier frisked him head to toe, confiscating a small amount of yuan and a piece of scratch paper penned over with important phone numbers and notes.

“Now you keep your end of the bargain,” Shen sneered. “Follow.” They circled to the rear of the aircraft where a ramp opened to a vast cargo bay. They passed soldiers busy buckling themselves into inward-facing seats along each side of the bay. At the far end, a metal crate was strapped to the floor with cargo webbing. General Shen nodded to it.

“I had it built for you.” The crate was sealed with three enormous locking bars that looked to be six inches thick. “But if you behave, you can ride first-class with me.”

“I’ll take the upgraded seats, please.”

They ascended a flight of steep steel-grate stairs connecting the cargo bay to an upper level. On one side, a hatch was open. Jim peered inside to see two pilots flipping switches and tapping instruments. One noticed him, and quickly reached out to pull the hatch shut.

“This way.” General Shen opened a hatch on the opposite bulkead and ushered Jim inside. A fantastically appointed apartment awaited him, day and night from the stripped-down, utilitarian design that described every other part of the aircraft. A velvet crescent of a sofa curled around a hand-painted table, a replica of motifs that Jim tentatively placed in the pre-Boxer rebellion era. Opposite the sitting area was a small kitchenette. Farther back, a Song-dynasty zhanmadao with enough tarnish to be the real deal hung over red a curtain that partially concealed a large bed.

Shen directed him to the sofa. “Please, make yourself comfortable. We have some hours ahead of us.” The general disappeared behind the bedroom curtain. Jim wasted no time treating his buttocks to the plush perks of corrupt government spending. Outside the window to his right, a rotor spooled to life. It was surprisingly quiet for its size, and soon the shipping containers of the harbor were shrinking out of sight. The aircraft banked slowly, affording a view of Hong Kong that nearly made him forget the trouble he was in.

Shen reappeared stripped to his socks, trousers, suspenders, and a white silk shirt. He moved to the kitchenette, taking down a porcelain tea set from a cupboard. “Now then, which one are you, Charles or James?”

“James. Friends call me Jim.”

“Yes, the archaologist.” Shen pulled a pinch of tea leaves from a jar and put them in the pot. “It was you who made that wonderful discovery then?”

“Technically, Willy found it. But Willy’s dead.”

“A shame.” He pulled a lever that dispensed a steaming hot water into the tea pot. The aircraft shifted underneath them, causing some of the water to miss the pot and spill onto his foot. Shen cursed and pressed a button on the wall. An intercom crackled alive. He cursed again into it, then resumed making the tea.

“As you can see, I have a love for history too.” Shen set the tea cups down, then poured. “Please be careful with the table.”

“You shouldn’t worry too much, it’s a fake.” Jim picked up his cup and took a delicate slurp while Shen furrowed his brows. “The paint is early Qing, but the construction is full of European influence.”

“Even so,” Shen continued, “As I said, I have a great appreciation for the history and culture of my country. The reason you are here, Jim, is you took something that belongs to China. Something of immeasurable historic and cultural value.”

Tea nearly came out of Jim’s nose. “Historic and cultural value? Did you see that thing in the tomb? I saw it. There was nothing Chinese about it. It was a monster!”

“That is not for you to decide! You are in possession of a treasure, a heritage that belongs to the people of China, and it will be returned!”

“You think I want this thing inside me? For fuck’s sake, if you can find a way to take it out, you can have it. Please. We’ve tried though. It wouldn’t let us. So good luck, buddy.”

Shen recomposed himself and lifted his tea cup. “It won’t be luck that grants me success where you have failed. I have something on my side that you never will.”

Jim crossed his arms. “I’m all ears, buddy.”

Shen lifted his cup, took a sip, then set it down, revealing a new look in his eyes that didn’t settle right with Jim.

“Destiny.”

Bone Deep, Arc One : A Preview


Huang Shen ascended the scaffolding on the legs of a mortal. Finger by finger, he peeled the black leather glove off of his hand and caressed the face of a god. Its skin was parchment brittle, so he took care.

“What was your name?”

These lips had peeled back in a grimace eons ago. He imagined with pride as being the first to return the smile. Shen knew so little, but his mind already raced with the fantastic possibilities. Could this be an ancestor of his? Coyly, he pushed the thought from his mind, but it returned again and again, waiting in the periphery of conscience only to creep back in when he wasn’t looking.

It was in the realm of possibilities, wasn’t it? What a tempting, juicy destiny to possess, to be descended from a god. To have this as a birthright.

And his hands wandered to the bones on that once shook the realm. The skeleton of a god. Upwards and upwards they glided on each side of him, the coldness seeping in through his palms, until the smooth, ivory beams arced in ascent beyond arms’ reach. The scaffolds creaked and wobbled while he lifted one leg over the railing, then the next. He leaned out over the emptiness, suspended by his hands on the rail behind. He wasn’t afraid. Only lesser men fell.

He let his forehead come to a rest against the colossal rib, then let go of the rail. His body rocked perilously, balanced soley between his head and his toes. The ecstasy prickled his every hair. He was so close to it now. He listened to it. He imagined his chi moving in and out of it. He lifted his chin towards it. He kissed it. He licked it. The god tasted salty and acrid, like a white wine that was once good.

He took that moment for himself, as long as he could. Then he climbed back down.

The chamber was magnificent now that it was fully illuminated. The walls were plastered with silken robes and bronze plates embossed with ancient scenes. Jade figurines as tall as living men were ensconced at regular intervals, standing watch. In a corner, men in yellow, plastic suits were zipping up the last pieces of the deceased Americans into yellow, plastic bags.

A man seated in a camp stool before a wide-band receiver stood abruptly to salute.

“General Huang. Still nothing from the detachment that took the intruders captive. We’ll keep scanning, but I recommend we send out a search detail.”

“Send everyone.”

“Everyone, sir?”

“I have reason to believe the Americans have stolen something very precious from this chamber. A great treasure that belongs to all of China.”

“The Americans, sir, they should be dead. Captain Long’s last orders were to dispose of them.”

“I have a strong feeling they’re very much alive and well. And make sure the new orders are to take them gently. We wouldn’t want to damage our cultural inheritance.”

“Understood, sir. Shall I inform the Ministry of Culture of our findings here?”

“You will inform no one.”

“Yes, sir. No one.”

Huang Shen pulled a black leather glove back over his hand, meticulously tightening each finger. This moment, and all the moments soon to come, were his alone to savor. He alone saw the truth of what happened here. He alone had the vision to master it. This was his destiny. He snugged the last bit of the glove around his wrist.

“And Sergeant,” he added, half turning, “make sure a detail is dispatched to take care of everyone in that village.”

Boned Again


Read the first chapter, Bone Deep, here.

Jim drove while Chuck napped on and off in the truck. Jim was exhausted as well, but he was too restless to do anything about it.

He shook Chuck’s leg. “We’re coming up on the village now.” Chuck made a smacking noise with his mouth and stretched his feet into the passenger side footwell.

“We’re not going to the University first?”

“I changed my mind.” Jim turned the air-conditioning down a notch. “I need to see this place first. I need to know what we can expect before we start poking our noses into Willy’s office.”

Continue reading “Boned Again”

Bone Deep


“What do you see?”

“It looks like bone. But it’s perfect bone. Too perfect.”

“How do you know what perfect bone looks like?”

“I don’t. I mean, there’s no such thing. At least there wasn’t ‘til you. I mean look at it. The fibrous structures are arranged… in such a… I don’t know. A perfect way. Almost mathematically, it seems. Come here and take a look.”

“I can’t. I’m stuck in this machine, dummy.”

“Oh, right.”

“Can I come out now?”

“Gimme a minute.” Continue reading “Bone Deep”

Nashmeira’s Plea


The breadth of time that began shortly after take-off and landing ended just moments ago was a complete blank. He couldn’t recall if he exited the cabin by steps or by dock, or how the outside world looked. The sleep that overtook him mid-flight was as clingy as first love and still refused to release its grip as he shambled through the dingy, cinder-block and cement airport (he was assuming this was an airport) that looked more like a soviet-bloc gulag. From all he knew of Imperial domestic policy, he guessed this building may well have functioned as both. The Steyr-bullpup-toting guards and iron bars that filled the role of walls here and there reinforced the notion.

The seconds he was losing between islands of lucidity combined with the after-nap cottonmouth was making him irritable, and perhaps it was irritability that caused him to assume the best way for a first-world westerner to behave around less-than first-world authorities was to scowl and look dangerous. The guards scowled back. His comrades ahead of him weren’t scowling. They were giddy, bordering on obnoxiously so. They were jostling each other and speaking in the carefree, first-world naivety he assumed he should avoid.

Continue reading “Nashmeira’s Plea”

Refurbished


“She’s a goddess. A golden dream built of many lives’ work, but she’ll be perfect for you. Perfect for anyone.”

His voice trailed off as he disappeared behind a shelf cluttered with parts and mechanisms that stretched to the ceiling.

“She has many hearts, you see, many eyes, and I hope you can appreciate that. Oh dear, I hope you can appreciate…”

I lost him again around an aisle of brick-a-brack, but his tinny voice rang out around the next corner, a steady breadcrumb trail of mad ravings. Each time he called it her, I became unsettled a bit more.

“Her eyes have seen a hundred lives, you know.”

Continue reading “Refurbished”

Prometheus is Terrible – The Definitive Rant


The only thing more astounding than how terrible of a movie Prometheus was the sheer amount of people who don’t realize just how bad it was. Reviews on the internet are nearly unanimously positive. Even Roger Ebert, whom is synonymous in my mind with thoughtful, thorough critique, blew my mind when he gave it four out of four stars. I didn’t know where to start when my best friend, who sat mesmerized by my side in the theater as I was stifling guffaws, asked me what was so bad about it. It’s been a year since that first, awful encounter, and it may be a little late in coming, but I present to you the first impressions that have had me foaming at the mouth at the mere mention of this movie since.

The opening scene isn’t the worst scene of the entire film – strange and inexplicable perhaps, as to why an alien has to drink poison (but why does he look so damned surprised?) that disintegrates himself  into basic proteins to create life on a lifeless planet. I mean, he could have just planted a few petunias, but who are we to rationalize the behavior of an completely alien being, even one that the film insinuates is nearly 100% genetically identical to us?

They told him it was “going to be like peyote, but with hot chicks”, but it was actually galactic fraternity hazing at its finest.

Scene two: Isle of Skye. I won’t even try to bust them on the facts about Skye being inhabited by humans 35,000 years ago. Here we get an important piece of information: the creators kept in contact  with our fledgling species (and through about 2 billion years of organic development (since they first came and disintegrated into… us) at least up until 34,000 years ago.

Ok, seriously, the date is 2093. Are you telling me that 80 years from now, we’ll have finally developed the capacity for interstellar flight, and we wont have anything better (or closer) to put this fledgeling technology to use for than a highly-improbable ‘scientific’ (and I do use that word QUITE loosely) mission light-years away from Earth to a destination on a star-map depicted by cave men?

Does the whole bit about Noomi Rapace’s dad contribute to the story in any way at all? I don’t think so, but we’ll see.

On to the in-flight orientation that serves as the fumbling exposition for the main part of the movie. We’re shown many of these characters meeting for the first time. Did these guys SERIOUSLY not organize meet and greet before they signed on to be put into hypersleep for an 2-year-long foray into deep space? It seems hard to imagine that they could have even boarded the ship without bumping into each other, which leads me to the conclusion they jumped into a pre-stamped crate at home and were dolleyed onto the ship already in cryo. And why the hell would this tycoon entrust a mission of such importance to two “progeny” he obviously hates and whom obviously hate him?

Here comes the treat from the halloween grab-bag that is the most nauseous element of the film: the “scientists”. Again, I use that term very loosely, because everything they do, say, or think spews diarrhea all over the last 2000 years of our species’ intellectual development. The worst offender by far is “Charlie Holloway”, who has clearly never stepped foot in an upper-division classroom, and whose every mannerism evinces any educational experience at all was likely due to an athletic scholarship. Next up, we have “Fifield”, a geologist who has every hallmark of an IRA hoodlum or an ex-Legionnaire mercenary. Noomi Rapace’s “Shaw” is more difficult to detail in this paragraph, because I cannot tell if she’s an unconvincing scientist because she’s an unconvincing scientist, or she’s an unconvincing scientist because she’s an unconvincing human being. More on all of these characters will surface again, rest assured.

To be clear, I’m not an astrophysicist tearing apart the mechanics of Michael Bay’s “Armageddon”; the extent of my experience stops at General Chemistry, which I had to take twice to pass, so something must be terribly wrong when the science aspect of a film starts setting off red alerts in my brain. The science team barely behaves like rational human beings, much less like scientists, and at every plot point they flourish a profound lack of experimental procedure or basic critical thinking skills. I double-dog, nay, triple-dog dare anyone to defend this hopelessly flawed aspect without resorting to the arguments (a) that the story is set in the Idiocracy universe or (b) that the science team received the entirety of their education in Texas.

Anyways, back to that treat: “We call them engineers,” well, because they engineered us. That’s a pretty bold statement, Mr. and Mrs. Science. How did you come to that conclusion? Did you find anecodtal evidence from these engineers? Did you find an elaborate cave painting describing the entire process?  (A funny thought: ancient humans possessing the concept of genetic engineering; the next logical step from that: Zeus!) Oh, you just jumped to that conclusion because you “choose to believe it”? Were those the exact words you used to convince Weyland? How scientific of you.

What’s that Holloway and Shaw? You’re surprised that your corporate backers are following an “agenda”? Wait, wait, wait, I almost passed up the more important point that Charlize Theron just gave the only logical, scientifically responsible advice of “hey, if you find these alien dudes, you shouldn’t run up and hug them”, and our “scientists” are protesting like teenagers at the venomous snake exhibit. Again with the ridiculous exposition: did no-one understand anything about this entire expedition before they bought plane tickets? Is there no better way anyone could have written this information/conflict into the story? Is this Ridley Scott’s first movie? Every indication screams yes.

A few minutes of ominous bass-laden soundtrack later and the crew is inside the mysterious alien site. We don’t have to wait long before we witness Charlie being an A+ scientist again. Fuck this helmet! Fifield thinks this place is spooky, and I don’t blame him, but there’s nothing for him to study as a geologist? Is that his cop-out? He passed a bajillion goddamned rocks on his way in, and this non-geologist reviewer is pretty sure some of them looked like basalt. Fifield, you can’t tell me that as a “geologist”, you aren’t interested in learning about possible volcanic activity or finding clues to it’s tectonic history. I’m starting to suspect that Weyland Corporation skipped background checks on their applicants, because so far everything this geologist has done has been deploying fancy gadgets. Not interested in rocks, and more knowledgable than anyone else about the gadgets. 80 years from now, the word “geologist” must have taken the meaning we gave in 2013 to “tech support”. . And just why exactly does the android need an environmental suit? Maybe to give him license to touch things willy-nilly.

We see the guy in charge of mapping the place get completely lost, and we’re sold on the amazing durability and performance of those oh-so-fashionable EVA suits. We arrive at another spectacular exhibition of good science, arguably the most bewildering of the bunch. It was understandable they’d take the head. It was understandable they’d examine the head. It violates every notion of common sense to examine the head outside of a controlled quarantine. Even the unnaturally active biological growths didn’t throw up red flags for these paragons. They don’t even bother to use the purely ornamental surgical masks hanging around their necks. Sir Francis Bacon would be proud.

I understand the director probably didn’t want to cover up the compelling performance told through the actors’ emotive facial expressions (note: sarcasm), but any of that is lost when the audience is focused on the absurdidity of the situation. And utterly without consideration of what they could glean from this specimen before jabbing it with an electric probe, they want to stimulate its nervous system. They make no mention of what they could possibly gain from doing this, and at this point, I doubt they know themselves, because I now assume every move of the science team is calculated through a funtion of f(whimsy). I’ll chalk up what happens next as a necessity of attaining the American movie-goer’s attention and approval:

Oh Lord, it exploded. SCIENCE!

We don’t have to wait long before Logan Marshall-Green (or whoever wrote his part) impresses us again with his interpretation of conduct becoming of a scientist, which apparently includes mercilessly taunting androids. It ties my stomach no no limit of knots as to how a man of so much learning and worldly experience can devolve into whatever Halloway was in his dialogue with David over the pool table. Did he show that same amount of tolerance to the locals at the Babylonian and Hawaiian dig sites? I almost cheered when David gave him the eyeball-worms. And when he realizes his wormy-eyeball condition, does he immediately notify his peers, quarantine himself, or undergo a thorough examination like a responsible scientist should? NOPE. Like a the first warning signs of herpes, he hopes it’ll go away if he simply ignores it.

Moving things along, it’s time for Elizabeth Shaw’s cringe-inducing surgical procedure. Ignoring the questions that arise as to how or why a goop-begotten worm begets a squid (or why those same goop-begotten worms turn people into zombies), our heroine survives her harrowing encounter with said squid to immediately dash out of the medical apparatus with merely a slight limp. Now, I do realize that the average movie-goer may not realize the effects that a 10-inch incision severing the abdominal muscles can have upon a body. As someone who once had a two-inch incision into these same muscles, it was near impossible to move any part of my body between the areas of my pecs and kneecaps, as, I quickly realized at the time, these abdominal muscles are instrumental to these areas and they have just been severed. It took me nearly a week before I was even able to sit up, and even that feat was only accomplished through blinding pain and the aid of two nurses.

Speaking of which, Shaw knocked her medical assistance over the head in her bid to be rid of squid, David pretty much tried to kill everyone in the most horrifying ways imaginable, the tycoon that organized their field trip into hell whom everybody hates is suddenly here to tell everyone what to do, and suddenly everyone is on board the next unmeditated plot point. It’s like a Dungeons and Dragons session that met too long Soon after a scene that makes us question why flamethrowers were the quartermaster’s first pick for personal defense weapons over slightly-less inappropriate selections, such as industrial nail-guns or chainsaws, when the near-entirety of the crew decide to go back into the little ship of horrors that they have mystically determined to be a storehouse of biological weapons, all this violence done toward each other is inexplicably water under the bridge.

Even Isaac knows the value of good ole’ fashioned fire over “conventional” military ordinance.

No “medic, I’m sorry I hit you over the head with lab equipment”. No “Shaw, I’m sorry I left you as a squid-incubator”. All we get is, “we all have perfectly good reasons not only for not trusting any one of you to push any one of us into a bottomless pit at the first opportunity, but good reasons for staying the fuck out of a zombie-making, eyeball-worming, squid-baby impregnating pit of nightmares; instead of cutting our losses, let’s do both of those things.”

It’s unbelievable rifts in character motives and decision-making like this that left me walking out of the theater for the first time thinking, “Wow, Hollywood’s finally done it. The first movie written in separate parts by twelve different writers locked in twelve different rooms, then taped together end to end without any sort of homogenization. Either that, or no-one bothered to question whether a mid-production stroke could affect Ridley Scott’s creative abilities.”

Let’s skip past a few parts where the crew have unexplained revelations about the extraterrestrial’s motives and display more behaviors that are irreconcilable with the trauma they’ve experienced so far. Shaw is now armed with the knowledge that the alien facility they’ve been in is, in fact, a ship, and it’s heading for Earth to wipe out all life. She knows this because the last alien alive is in an inconsolable, bloodthirsty rage and the ground is shaking. This make sense to us if we weren’t under-educated plebians, as this movie was obviously written for a higher-minded crowd. If we weren’t such dullards, we might have immediately realized this plot-point existed for the sole reason of implementing $20 million worth of CGI into one scene as well as a venerable element of storytelling that is usually guaranteed to generate pathos in the audience. Unless you suck at storytelling, in which case it falls flat on its face.

In less than 10 seconds, Noomi convinces Janek that she’s an authority figure on the Engineer’s foreign policies. In even less time, Janek, who so far has filled a role in the film equivalent to Jurassic Park’s Sam Jackson, turns into Armageddon’s Bruce Willis. The icing on the cake is the two nameless characters who are now heroes that are expected to tug on our heart strings. And how cheerful they look to be doing it! And don’t forget that burning the ion in the inner atmosphere… seems to have noparticular effect on ship-to-ship collisions.

He’s just happy to get a line in the film.

At the end of this overwhelmingly confusing extravaganza, we’re left with…
Was this supposed to be an impressive twist that left casual viewers shocked and impressed and die-hard fans in orgasmic ecstecy? More importantly, was this supposed to be accepted by our brains without setting off the logic alarms?

Thus begins the foray into an aspect I’ve patiently glossed over until now, one that competes shoulder to shoulder with the characters as most unbelievable part of the movie. The biological cycle we are presented with makes magikarp’s evolution into gyarados look like sound biology. Let’s break it down. We have goop, little eyeball worms, big worms that like to be deepthroated, some sort of unseen brain-hijacking parasite which might or might not be eyeball worms (but probably aren’t, considering the time it took to give Charlie serious symtoms would have given the geologist plenty of time to do something with himself), squid babies that turn into Cthulhu with no need for biomass input, and, finally, something that looks supiciously like a xenomorph.

Let’s do our best to break this down.

I’m going to assume that all those vats are filled with the same goop.

Once ingested, that goop infects a human with parasitic worms. Okay, believable enough.

Left to its own devices with a little bit of soil and atmosphere, that same goop turns into a bigger worm that appears self-sustained, but is violently aggressive to other life-forms. It instincts are to force itself down the throat of life-forms which it has never encountered in it’s evolutionary history. This seems more than a little questionable.

Those parasitic worms created by goop ingestion, when sexually transmitted, work their way into a human female’s uterus and turn into a squid baby. Wait, what?

Squid babies, who laugh in the face of the principle of conservation of mass as grow fifty times their original size without eating a single thing, imregnate engineers (who are completely genetically identical to humans, remember?) with xenomorphs, a creature that resembles neither squid nor engineer.

Now, I’ve heard many people defend the film by saying that it wasn’t supposed to be set in the same universe as or follow the canon of Aliens. This doesn’t magically make anything that happens make sense. In fact, it makes less sense. Unfortunately, most of the sources I’ve read quote the creators as admitting Prometheus is an Aliens universe prequel. We see in the Aliens trilogy that the xenomorphs have a completely stable biological cycle. They have a queen that lays eggs. Eggs hatch into facehuggers, which implant alien embryos into the digestive tracts of humanoids, which incubate into myriad alien variants who burst from the chest of their hosts ready and eager to enter the xenomorph workorce. It’s a process that has a couple flaws in silver-screen presentation (we never see a xenomorph actually eating anything, so the biomass problem still exists in the growth of a chestburster), but is fairly as a theoretical system. It also strikes me as a system that has existed comfortably in nature for quite some time. The Predator race’s affinity of trophy-hunting these creatures also creates a vibe of an old interspecies relationship. Prometheus tells us that all of these grand systems have been put in place in the space of a few centuries. I really don’t know how to express my feelings for this other than 9oo0lnf08aaw;urhljfaw4;ohif, which is what my head produces as it dashes itself against my keyboard.

In the process of writing this, I’ve read numerous analyses of the plot, many of which transpose grand literary themes over the work as a method of interpretation. While they certainly open up entirely new facets of the Prometheus story, it’s hard to see allusions to Paradise Lost and Lovecraft’s Old Ones as anything more than scholarly insertions, and not as anything the filmmakers were mindful of as they were dreaming up their cornicopia of special effects, though I’m sure they were quick to take credit for them the minute those grad students published their theses. From experience, the broad themes of Greek mythologies can be applied to nearly any situation and polished to a state of believable profundity.

While we’re on the subject of other analyses of the movie, you should read Julian Sanchez’ equally scathing critique here, which I discovered towards the end of this endeavor. He covers many of the points I have and then some, and his wonderful wit and thoroughness nearly renders my work of the last few hours rendundant.